i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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