i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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