I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
