Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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