Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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