kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
