u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
