when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
