I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
