Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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