Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
