she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
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When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
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I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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