You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
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We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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