just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I love how my cats smell like pot.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
