I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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