fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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