You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
