You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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