i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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