My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
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Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
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My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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