I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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