on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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