i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
