I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
