No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
