I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
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Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
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I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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