woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
