Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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