My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
ttyl tear gas
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
