I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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