When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize