the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Sober January is a disaster.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
