and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
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Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
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Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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