Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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