I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
