highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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