know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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