I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
