I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
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My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
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Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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