I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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