Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You work out of a Hotel?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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