Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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