May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
