before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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