FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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