i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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