sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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