Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
