Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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