Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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