I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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