I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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