A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
