He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
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Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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