i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I woke up under a house in Key West
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