do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
