I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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